How to raise emotionally mature children at any age: psychologist’s guide

A self-help book titled “Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents” by psychologist Lindsay C. Gibson surged in popularity during the pandemic, five years after its initial publication, as readers recognized their own childhoods in its pages and identified parents prone to emotional outbursts or lacking empathy.

Gibson’s latest book, “How to Raise an Emotionally Mature Child,” aims to guide parents who want to break the cycle and provide a different experience for their children. “If you have an emotionally immature parent, it doesn’t mean that you’re doomed,” Gibson said in a video interview. “However, you’ve probably learned emotionally immature attitudes and behaviors that may pop out at times.”

The most crucial attitude parents can adopt, Gibson said, is recognizing that a child is “real inside.” She emphasized that children are sensitive and feel emotions as acutely as adults, and parents often treat them in ways they would never treat a cherished friend. “We tend to think that children don’t experience humiliation or embarrassment, that children don’t have a natural sense of dignity,” she said. “We often don’t realize the hurt we’re causing.”

Gibson’s advice covers each developmental stage, from babies to teenagers, including taking anxieties seriously, encouraging autonomy, and identifying emotions. Understanding what children are capable of at each stage can alleviate parental frustration, she said, and it’s never too late to start building a respectful relationship.

She pointed to a story in her book about a mother who apologized to her seven-year-old for being too harsh during potty training. The child broke down sobbing. “When the parent goes back in and says you may have had this negative experience because of something that was going on with me, think what that does to the concept the child has of themselves,” Gibson said.

Gibson recalled apologizing to her own son when he was 18 and preparing for university. “I said: ‘I want to apologize for some of the things I did. I didn’t know what the right thing was, and I think I was too hard on you,'” she said. “I’m hoping that changed a narrative for him.”

She stressed that parenting is not about perfection or putting a child’s needs first at all times, nor about being the epitome of emotional maturity. Rather, it’s about being mindful of how parents relate to their children. She endorsed pediatrician Donald Winnicott’s concept of the “good enough” parent.

When a parent is busy and a child wants attention, Gibson advised acknowledging the child’s excitement and scheduling a later conversation. “If you notice that your child is trying to engage you, and you say: ‘I really want to hear about this, but I can’t give this the attention it deserves. Can we talk about it later?’ how long did that take, 10 seconds? He feels acknowledged,” she said.

Setting limits with teenagers, Gibson said, requires explanation and a respectful tone rather than authoritarian commands. Teenagers may not appear to listen, but the interaction seeps in subliminally. She said her adult son recently told her he heard her words coming out of his mouth when managing his team.

Gibson originally studied art and English literature before pursuing clinical psychology in the 1990s. In private practice, she developed her concept of emotional immaturity after witnessing patients struggling with relationships, guilt, or perfectionism caused by egocentric parents. “It became fascinating to me that this person is interacting with someone who emotionally, I can tell from my training, is functioning like a six-year-old,” she said.

Gibson’s concept of emotional immaturity is not an official diagnosis and has been criticized for being too broad, shifting blame onto parents, or encouraging readers to pathologize benign traits. However, it has deeply resonated with many who recognize their parents’ deficiencies and the lasting effects on their own lives.

To gauge a child’s emotional development, Gibson advised looking for signs of joy, energy, and investment in interests. “Are they showing joy? Maturity is a happy thing – it is a person whose psychology is able to bring them joy and energy,” she said. She also highlighted the importance of empathy, conscience, and the ability to restrain impulsive reactions.

Self-reflection is a key indicator of emotional maturity, Gibson said. “If your child can come back and apologize, they are well on the way toward emotional maturity, because that means they’ve got self-reflection, empathy, consideration,” she added.

Gibson observed that history is filled with egocentric individuals who act without regard for others, and she sees similar patterns in contemporary politics. “You can see that pattern of impulsivity, disregard for other people, the sense that they can do no wrong and stuff is everybody else’s fault,” she said.

She acknowledged that emotional immaturity can be an asset in material success, because society often rewards those willing to take advantage of others. However, she expressed optimism that a better society built by emotionally healthy people is possible.

“That’s what keeps moving us forward in terms of survival, because these characteristics help us work together well, think clearly under stress, understand cause and effect,” she said. She lamented that capitalist society often fails to recognize the strength of collaboration and mutual respect.

Gibson’s personal mission is to make the concept of emotional immaturity so common that people can recognize and resist egocentric individuals who try to control them. For those who recognize their own shortcomings, she emphasized that it is never too late to grow emotionally.

“How to Raise an Emotionally Mature Child” by Dr. Lindsay Gibson (Vermilion, £18.99) is out on May 21. To support the Guardian, order at guardianbookshop.com. Delivery charges may apply.

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